“WHEN EXTREMES MEET” Part 3 (The Aftermath)

(my journey in discovering my mental health condition)

Click here for Part 1

Click here for Part 2

Life goes on with me. I still put my mask on pretending everything is ok. I go to work, go home, overthink myself to sleep, wake up, force myself to get up from the bed, and during Sundays, I need to put my mask again to show that I’m strong and compose. But the truth is nobody knows that there is already a turmoil of emotions overtaking me from the inside.

One night at a café shop, I sip the green tea that I ordered while trying to update my diary where I write down the emotional state that I’m feeling at that time. According to the psychologist, this will help me monitor my emotions and be aware of the triggers that might affect either my “mania” (the feelings of extremely energetic and excitement) or my depression. Then, one member from our small group who just lives nearby decided to come. He knows my whole journey of discovering my mental condition and although he understood what I went through, he suggested otherwise. He told me that maybe I just need to have a shift in perspective. He mentioned that maybe I’m just too focused on my “condition” that I’m letting myself getting stuck in the situation. He also adds that our body and our minds are in some way connected and we are in control of what we do. He suggested some steps that I could consider to start doing but although his intentions were genuine, in the end, no one can really understand one’s situation unless that person also experienced what you have.

Right now, I would like to consider that I do have a Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar II since among the three consultations that I’ve undergone, the first one would be the most accurate since it was done by a psychiatrist. Also, the behaviors and emotions that I'm experiencing are closer to the two compare to the other ones. But I’m not too focused on the “label” itself. What I most concern now are the possible triggers that might affect my mood swings. As much as possible, I do avoid any news that would make me overthink. I learn not to stress to things that I can’t control and just continue to move on from the regrets and traumas of the past. (which I'm still in the process of doing it!)

I decided not to take any medications as I’m afraid of its side effects and I would likely to believe that my situation is somehow treatable. This might seem foolishness but unless I do some crazy things once again, I would choose not to risk anything. I may still open to that idea but I’m not seeing that happening in the next few months. I’m just appreciating the fact that there are less stress around me now unlike before.

So yeah… This is me. A person who is an overthinker and has a mental condition who chooses not to be identified with it. My emotions tend to shift from being extremely high and energetic to another extreme of being loneliness and depressed. Uncontrollable thoughts may come but I hope that others sees me beyond those things as I’m still in the process of learning more about this part of myself. There may be times that I care enough to people that I love so much that is why I easily get hurt and it would take weeks or months for me to be fully healed again. But that’s ok. I now accept the fact that healing is a process. I decided not to rush things and allow myself to give the time that it needs.

I admit that establishing relationship at this stage will be much more challenging but I’ve learned not to trust so much. I realized that people may come and go but only real friends will choose to stay despite whatever disorder I may have.

I do not wish that people will take pity on me, that is not my goal in writing this blog. Instead, all I ask is for people to have more patience and understanding not just to those who has BPD or Bipolar Disorder but also to every people who has the same or more serious mental health condition than me. I hope that people will be more informed and know that our behaviors and emotions that we experiencing are not just a simple "drama" or were there just to put up a "show" or to seek attention.

On the other hand, those who are currently have a mental condition, I just want to say that even though it is hard sometimes, you need to reach out and be open. You might have tried reaching out before and got disappointed that no one came but don't stop. Continue to step out in the open and believe that someone will notice you and make you feel that you are not alone. You are not useless. You are needed. You are worthy. You are important.

You are loved.