“WHEN EXTREMES MEET” Part 2 (The Battle)
- NeonLights
- Aug 2, 2020
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 18, 2025
(my journey in discovering my mental health condition)
Click here for Part 1
After a few minutes, Teresa and I eventually arrived at our destination - UERM Memorial Medical Center where we will set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. We went to the counter, fill out some information, paid the necessary fees, and patiently waited in the hallway. Teresa said that we are lucky that even though we arrived around eight in the morning, there were only a few people ahead of us. Although everything is going according to plan, I’m still anxious about what to say when I finally meet the psychiatrist face to face.
“Where will I begin?”
"How long should I take?"
"Will the psychiatrist really listen to me?"
"What if he or she got bored and decide to speed up the conversation?"
"What if I got emotional and cry? That would be embarrassing!"
Ughh! Why I just can’t stop overthinking?!
Suddenly, the lady at the front desk called my name. A doctor wearing a white coat accompanied me to a room and asks me simple questions at first to make me comfortable. He had a welcoming smile and an inviting demeanor that makes me believe that he is really there to help me out. In our conversation, I appreciate the respect that he showed towards me. When I speak, he stops talking and making sure he listens to what I say. He is present, focused and sympathetic, kind, and careful. At the end of our session, he concluded that I do have a mental health condition. Well, he identified two – he told me that I have a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Type II Disorder.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (US), Borderline personality disorder is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days. (1) While Bipolar Disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. (2)
At the end of the session, the doctor spoke to Teresa and told her the steps on how she could support someone like me. The doctor also prescribed some medicine that I could take to normalizes the chemical imbalances in my brain but honestly, I did not give it much attention. I’m just happy knowing the fact that my “behavior” already has a name. I’m not wondering anymore why I act in a certain way or think the way I do. My diagnosis was explained to me in such a way I could easily understand. That’s it. No need for follow-up sessions. For me, my mission is complete, and I’m contented.
The succeeding months were me trying to know more about my condition. I’ve read articles after articles, watched videos after videos of people having the same conditions like mine. I found out how they identify their triggers, and how these people manage to somehow maneuver their way out. However, knowing your condition is one thing but what comes next is fairly important because no matter how many articles you've read or videos you’ve watched, once it hits you. You’ll never be prepared.
September came when it first started. The misunderstandings and conflicts I had with my small group at church escalated into a deep depression on my part. It also doesn’t help the fact that I’m all alone at home because my parents were overseas at that time. I was consumed by my overthinking, anxieties, and loneliness that it is like I’m in a prison with no chance of escaping. I still perform at work like any ordinary employee but there were times when I just don’t want to speak to no one. The happiness around me doesn’t affect me. The hot radiant rays of the sun that touches my skin were nothing to me. I was not in touch with reality. There were moments when I just caught myself staring at a wall or any object but my mind is blank - no thoughts were coming in. Some days, I simply don’t want to get up from the bed. Evenings were a special thing for me because only at those moments that I can be honest with myself with no judgment. No one will pretend that they care just to kill their time.
The last three months of 2019 were a battle. Relationships start to wither as the wounds get deeper. December is also no different and when January came, things get out of hand to the point that attempting to jump from an overpass in C5 is the only way for me to escape my thoughts. "I can finally be free," I told myself that night.
[My experience about this can be found here:
When my small group found out about this, they suggested that I need to consult another psychiatrist. The reason is that they want to have a second opinion and see if my previous diagnosis is correct or I was just misdiagnosed with a much severe condition. I promised them that I’ll seek another professional help and in turn, told me they will be there to accompany me. The first one did happen. But the second thing, unfortunately, did not.
I was in the Philippine General Hospital (PGH) lining up to get some appointment but while most people has a relative or friend who’s with them, I have gone through the entire process all by myself. The people whom I expected to be there did not come. And although we had some misunderstandings the previous nights, one question remains on top of my head.
“Why is it so easy for them to give up on me and let me go?”
In the middle of the crowd of people, I thought to myself that it’s like I’m fighting a battle on my own with no one to turn to. A battle with no assurance if I’ll win or not.
The first time I arrived in PGH, it was an intern whom I spoke to and she told me that I don’t have BPD but just an Adjustment Disorder which is a “milder” condition compare to my previous diagnosis. However, since my plan is to talk to a psychiatrist, I need to come back.
On my second time in PGH, it was a psychologist that I’ve spoken to since there is no available psychiatrist at that moment. After my consultation, I looked at the paper where they suggested the mental condition that I have. It was Bipolar I which is a more severe type of Bipolar Disorder.
Now I’m confused. What do I really have? Do I have BPD, Adjustment Disorder, Bipolar I or Bipolar II? At that point, I’m already fed up. It's like I’m going nowhere. Besides the fact that my expenses are already over my budget, I also do not want to take another leave at work since my tasks at the office is also crucial. I just want this to be over!
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