“WHEN EXTREMES MEET” Part 1 (The Discovery)

(my journey in discovering my mental health condition)

It was the end of July of 2019 when Teresa and I planned to meet at Cubao after she agreed to accompany me to meet a professional. I was nervous yet excited as this once in a lifetime opportunity finally becomes a reality in front of me. I don’t know how many deep breaths I took and assumptions I had as we transfer from one jeepney to another. Many questions filled my mind as my friend describe what is like speaking to this person and how it feels to be surrounded by people that have the same or if not worse cases than her. In my head, I’m actually not sure what to expect and how to act when I get there but I knew for a fact that after this day, somehow a part of me will be uncovered. The identity that I have been shrugging off for many years will finally unravel. A label that I will carry on for the rest of my life.

One day as I clean my bedroom, I found a piece of folded lengthwise-sized paper. I picked it up and written on it was a list of words on how my classmates best describe me. I was in 4th Grade when our teacher asked us to do this activity. There were some nice words like kind, helpful, and that they see me as a happy person, but others were not so good. Some of them describe me as a person who easily gets mad, irritable, and always sulking. Those conflicting behaviors did not bother me as a kid. But as I grew older, those simple behaviors got intense and became uncontrollable without me realizing it.

Entering my adolescent years, I can say that it was a “go with the flow” type of experience. Besides the common “grinds” that a typical student will encounter like group projects, endless quizzes, joining organizations, etc. I can say that I’m lucky and blessed to be able to study with ease. However, despite all of it, nobody knows the internal struggles that I expertly hide within and the feelings that I’ve felt which I’d choose not to say to anyone.

I can vividly recall one Foundation Day during my high school years. I was just a freshman student back then when I saw a lot of students enjoying the different rides, eating pizzas, laughing with their classmates while I'm just sitting alone in a little staircase in front of the quadrangle. Unable to buy the things I like since I only have enough money to be able to ride home, I’m just there looking at those students who can afford everything that they desire. I stare at them wishing that I also have the money to buy stuff. All of a sudden, a group of boys were laughing as they passed by me and realize that they were the campus crushes all the girls in the school are swooning over. “If only I have those attractive physical features then I won’t feel alone anymore” were some of the words that I told myself.

I'm not always down and lonely. You see, there were also instances where I felt proud of myself. Whether it's winning a contest, making witty comebacks, or answering a tough question from our teachers, those were the times that I know I have the edge compare to others. Sadly, those were only fleeting seconds. The truth is, no matter how many contests I’ve won, how creative my one-liners are or how brilliant I recite at class, those people still have the money, they still have those gorgeous looks while I remain the same.

I never had any real “friends” while growing up. While most teenagers at my age were already doing lots of activities in and out of school, participating in several competitions – you can just see me at home watching television, creating fantasy-themed stories through my imagination, or in my room doing homework. You may find me laughing my head off and making up jokes while being with my classmates, but when evening comes and everything is silent, my thoughts will be the ones talking.

That is why whenever I meet people who have the same “wavelength” as me, it is very hard for me when that person leaves. I’m always having difficulty adjusting and accepting the fact that the person whom I enjoy being with needs to go. My mind tells me to hold on to this person because I don’t want to be alone again. I don’t want to feel empty once more. I’ll do anything so that this person would never leave me. I’ll be as generous as I can, pretend that I don’t have any issues, I’ll be his counselor and would try to fix him. In short, I want to be this “perfect” best friend so he won’t go away. But as we all know, life is not like that. The reality is, no matter how we try to keep the people we love, people come and go. And this fact hits me every time. In the process of holding on and getting attached to a person, I became possessive to the point that any little act or behavior that supposed to mean nothing means something to me. Each time a person’s approach towards me suddenly changes, for me its a sign of rejection. (and trust me, I experienced several rejections in my life that I became numb to it already.) Until a day will come that I’m the one who rejects and withdraws from the people who truly care for me before they reject me first. In doing so, I can say that at its worst, I’m still the winner in the end.

Having realized that I have these destructive patterns, it just occurred on me that maybe these are the reasons why I’m having difficulty in establishing relationships. Besides my constant self-doubts and extreme emotions of being joyful and optimistic on one day then being depressed on the other, people around me don’t want to be with me because I’m too unpredictable. They do not know how to deal with me because they were afraid of my reactions – which resulted in me being alone… again. I push people away because nobody seems to understand but I want my voice to be heard. I want to build friendships but past traumas and experiences led a possible relationship to waste. I can make myself available just for you but a slight avoidance and rejection will make me think of you as my worst nightmare. I can shout to the world how thankful I am to meet you but once disappointments show up, I’m also able to hurt you through words which in the process would also hurt myself that I regret later on.

“Why am I like this?”

“Am I destined to be alone forever?”

“Why I’m always rejected?

“Why is it so hard for me to trust others?”

“Is this normal? Or is there something wrong with me?”

These were only some of the questions that I’ve been holding on for so many years. Questions that I look forward to being answered today.