"STRANGERS: Walking away from Home"

(looking back to my one year of being part of my Light Group)

Honestly, I do not know how to start this blog for I'm not sure what words to say. In my heart, I know what I want to write. The feelings are real but for some reason, the emotions do not translate very well at my fingertips. Every sentence that I end, there is a millisecond where I ask myself these three words... "Am I ok?". My answer? I know I'm ok. I should be - right? But on second thought? "Am I really ok?..." Well... I don't really know.

But for the past two days, I know I am sad. I just realized this morning that I've stayed in my room for 36 hours. I do not have the energy to go out and enjoy the day. In my isolation, I have already witnessed the shifting schedule of the moon and the sun. Its like time stops when I'm in my bed. While the earth continues its rotation on its axis, so as my thoughts continue to spin around my head.

I opened my computer once more and decided to find something to distract me. Sharing some motivational quotes here and there, creating some Facebook cover photos for my page, but something inside me wants to go somewhere. A place where I once felt the happiness and joy that I can't simply explain. A piece of life wherein now is just a distant memory.

Glimmering Light

Clicking the album where I store our happy moments together, I once again risk myself of getting emotional as I peek to the pictures of my fellow brothers in Christ. Our weekly gatherings, unplanned dinners, innocent laughter and surprise house raids that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.

I clicked the first and oldest picture in the album. I can still remember how nervous I am during that time. I'm afraid to look at them in the eyes because I was too shy so I just behave like a 5-year old kid. I was holding the menu in my hands as if I was tasked to memorize all its delicacies. And even though after 1 hour of being with them, I would still ask myself if this is the right group for me. As I listened to their stories, you can tell that almost all of them are professional and already had experienced a lot in their life. As each of them introduced themselves, my comparative instinct kicks in. Which of these people I can be close with so that I will not get intimidated? Maybe someone who is not too high to reach so I can relate with them. A lot of questions and anxieties crept in but they didn't know that on the outside, I'm faking a smile and the confidence but in my head, I'm already panicking. And when the meeting was over, my body wants to get out of that circle immediately. No more chitchat, no more small conversations - just move away from them as quickly as possible.

Shining Light

Luckily, the awkwardness and what-ifs, quickly vanished into oblivion every time they welcomed me with open arms. The walls that I've built for so long crumbled little by little. The stone starts to dissolve, my heart starts to trust again.

In one of Bro. Bo Sanchez's books, he told his readers that one way that helped him towards his healing process is having the right friends. Friends that love him, accept him and show him the authentic relationship he needed. Every time, he became honest with them and despite everything that he has done, his friends just simply embraced him and reminded him that he will become better. And surely he did.

When I looked at my brothers, I whispered to God and told Him - "Is this really the group you want me to belong to? Are these the right people that would truly accept me just like what Bo had experienced before? Because if it is, then thank you so much!" And for the nth time, I tore down the walls of my heart and learned to trust again fully. For the first time in my life, I experienced the safety and security that I've never felt in other people. When I'm with them, I'm calm, I'm at peace and my love tank automatically overflows.

This prompted me to let loose and became transparent all the way. I can express anything without being judged. My discoveries, lessons that I've learned, and even my mental condition.

Fading Light

But as imperfect as the world is, so as them. It all started with a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion. One hurtful feeling led to another, dishonesty and broken promises were made. Silent factions were unknowingly created and voices were overpowered that invalidated the cries of the one who longs for love and understanding. Suddenly, wounded hearts were covered with masks and in an instant, everything became so blurry that I do not know who should I trust. Despite everything that has happened, all of us still managed to make it work somehow. But even though everybody tried to give what they can, I know for a fact that it is not the same anymore. I'm not blaming anyone, it's just that the safety and security that I once felt disappeared - questions and doubts popped out, internal conflicts stepped in as I decided that my presence in the group stepped out.

To be fair, I still tried to hold on. I told myself that this is just a test and that one day, we will all laugh about it. I deviate from overthinking and give myself the chance to heal and convince myself that everything will be fine in the end. But it didn't.

Radiant Light

I went back to my recent posts online and tried to find the quote that could somehow be summed up what happened - it goes like this:

Sometimes, the reason why

we overthink because we OVERCARE.

we overcare because we OVERLOVE.

we overlove because we OVERTRUST.

Maybe I did that. I did overtrust... because I overlove... because I overcare... and that's why I'm still hurting right to this day. Now, even though I decided to move on, I admit that there are still regrets that crosses my mind.

"If I just decided not to be fully honest with them about my condition, then maybe they will not treat me differently."

"If I only controlled myself in showing them love and care, then maybe everything will just go smoothly."

"If I didn't walk away that one September night in the Feast Bible Study, then no misunderstanding will happen, no feelings will get hurt, no friendship will be broken."

But yeah... I'm already here. Dragging the regrets that I've done, replaying the moments that I now struggle to overcome and facing the reality of what's to come. It's not easy... it never will... but how can I move on if I don't let go? Maybe I just can't believe that it will only end like this (at least on my part). I can't imagine that from a close friend to simply a Facebook friend, from being a source of my happiness to a remembrance of past hurts, regrets, and what-ifs... And from being my best buddies to becoming just mere strangers...

If you would ask me if I'm still hoping that everything will go back to normal, of course, I do. But the closeness and brotherhood that I once felt would surely take time before it goes back to the way it used to be. But I'm willing to wait.

So as I finished this blog at 2:43 in the morning with 2 empty bottles of vodka on my side, a forced smile and a tear from my eye I say...

THANK YOU, BROTHERS...

THANK YOU, LAGING GWAPO LIGHT GROUP...

'TILL WE MEET AGAIN.

SOON.