"THESE PAST TWO WEEKS..."

(dark clouds starts to creep in and it is indeed a challenging one)

People who are going through mental health issues want to be heard. At the end of the day, all they want is someone to be there by their side, whose willing to listen. Just the mere presence of a friend, their willingness to understand you, and their sincerity to be with you are already big indicators that you really care.

But it is also the responsibility of those who have issues to continue speaking up and be honest enough about what they're feeling, because acknowledging that you're not okay is the FIRST STEP in healing it.

Of course, there are people who might choose not to understand. People who will dismiss you and invalidate you. People whom you thought would be there, but later on find out that they are not really supportive of you, which makes you think that it would be best to just keep quiet and continue to suffer internally, but don't lose hope! This is to remind you that you're not wrong in voicing out what's going on your head, you just trusted the wrong person, and that's ok! At least you know better whom to trust and whom to let go.

After I was diagnosed with Bipolar I and Borderline Personality Disorder, I promised myself not to be afraid of telling people about my situation. I already prepared myself to accept how people would react once I told them this. After I was invalidated by my leader in the community (whom I thought would understand me), it somehow gave me the realization that no matter how detailed your explanation is, there are those who will simply not get it unless they experience it firsthand.

From then on, I decided not to care too much how others would see me once they'd learned of my predicament. If they leave, then so be it. If they become uneasy or dismissive, then I'll go, but I'll make sure that this WILL NOT STOP me from speaking up, even though it is a constant tug-of-war in my mind.

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The past two weeks have been a struggle. I felt like I was starting to have my depressive episode where I felt disconnected with my classmates in our acting class. There's this feeling of inferiority, unworthiness, as if all the warmth and joy sucked out of me. Dark clouds started to creep in, and all those verbal abuses from childhood replayed in my mind once again. I often caught myself zoning out, and sometimes makes me unwilling to move. Voices that tell me that I don't belong are getting louder. I tried to distract myself as much as I could, but once I turned off my phone, the voices were still there. I fought these thoughts for several days now, and most of the time I was able to get through them, but some days were just unbearable.

I think what keeps me going is when I get support from people whom I least expect. My gym coach, who firmly told me to look straight when walking and be confident (a moment I previously posted here on fb). Lhoi, my co-actor in our previous workshop who I just met for four days, told me that they're just there if I need someone to talk to. And the most surprising of all is when my Acting Coach checks up on me to see if I'm doing okay.

These people remind me that I'll get through this and that I'll make it, and with that I'm grateful.

I believe you can too! It might not come today or tomorrow but hold on. You can do this! 💪

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NCMH Crisis Hotline

Luzon-wide Landline Toll Free: 1553

Cellphone Lines: 0917-899-8727, 0966-351-4518; 0908-639-2672

In case of an emergency, please call your local emergency hotline and/or proceed to the nearest hospital.

Email: mcc@ncmh.gov.ph

Website: https://ncmh.gov.ph

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PLDT: (02) 8804-4673 [HOPE]

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