"YOU'RE HERE & YOU'RE GOOD"

[when my inferiority complex kicks in]

Last Saturday in our acting workshop, my mind was filled with racing thoughts. For some reason, I arrived at the venue feeling inferior and small. I'm not sure if it is because some of my classmates were speaking confidently in English or because I didn't feel the connection we'd made the last time we met.

I observed them as they passed by me, and it seems like we don't know each other again, which looks like we're starting from zero. When my other classmates talked to each other, it felt like I was exposed and very awkward. My mind brought me back to the time when I was alone at school with no friends, thinking that the reason no one talked to me was because of my physical appearance. Those hurtful memories still keep repeating in my head, which paralyzes me on the spot.

When we sat in the room, I instantly had this urge to just want to get out. "I don't want to be here!" was the only voice I heard inside my head.

As our coach discussed the activity we're going to do, wherein we have to verbalize what we are feeling at the moment, I knew that I didn't want to participate because I was afraid of what I'd say that others might misunderstand. But at the same time, I don't want to tell our coach what's going on because I don't want to come across as entitled. So I just went along and hoped that it would turn out great.

Throughout the activity, my mind was not present. I was zoning out and caught myself staring at nowhere. When it was my turn to speak up, the first few words that left my mouth were, "I'm not here."

"You're not here?" was the response I received from my co-actor. A confused look, as if she's wondering if I'm going crazy.

Our next activity didn't go well either. After my turn, our coach asked the rest of the class how I did. Someone said that they felt I had a different personality from how they met me last week. They felt like I was angry and a little bit serious from before. I checked myself, and she's right. I'm really angry, but I don't know why. I'm not sure if it is from the activity or from my scene partner.

At that point, I couldn't hold it anymore. I spoke up and expressed my feelings to the rest of the class. I said, "I feel like I'm not here. I feel like I'm below everybody else. No one is doing anything to me, but this is what I'm feeling. I'm angry, but I don't know why."

I was ready for any judgmental looks. I was ready to read the people and observe how they would hide their dismay from their faces. But instead, our coach told me.

"Neon, I just want to tell you, YOU ARE HERE. You're with us. Your anger might have come from somewhere that we don't know, but I want to thank you for being honest and vulnerable. And even if you didn't tell us that, we still felt it. In fact, what you're feeling actually helped the scene and made it a great example."

Tears started to escape my eyes as I heard those words. I never felt so validated and heard from strangers as ever before. Tensions started to loosen up, and I felt a little bit okay.

The class went on and even though I may not be 100% okay, knowing that I can consider this place a safe space gives me hope that I'll be alright. 🥹