"THE TRAIN STOP" [part 2]

[continuation from part 1]

“Have you ever felt like a train desperate to jump the tracks? I guess that’s me. I wanted to be a train wreck." - Code McCade

A few months passed, and the month of May arrived. For whatever reason, I decided to open my messenger and ask if we could meet. I'm not sure how I came to that decision, but I think what it finally triggered me was because of a stage play I saw that talked about giving second chances to those you truly care about. So I attempted and went to your workplace.

You and your workmates were having a dinner outside the office and there I was waiting for you on the far end of the restaurant. I tried to eat but couldn't. I was engrossed with the questions I wanted to ask you. Then suddenly you came in and sat in front of me. I couldn't look directly at you. Was I embarrassed? Afraid? Or simply being unprepared for what could happen.

We exchanged greetings and then updated each other on our current lives. When silence began to overwhelm the atmosphere, I fearlessly went ahead and explained why I was there. I told you what you mentioned in your last message, which I ended with a question:

"Is it still true?"

You said, "Not anymore."

"After those few months of not speaking to one another, I came to the realization that maybe this is the best decision that could happen to the both of us."

I took a big breath and replied, "Okay then."

I then changed the topic. "Oh, remember when I promised you that I'd help you move your stuff to your new apartment? I told you to just let me know when you're ready, but I didn't hear anything back."

"Oh, I'm actually done with it a few months ago."

"Do you have someone assisting you?" I asked in response.

"Yes."

"Who?"

"A new guy"

There was a moment of silence, and I wasn't sure what to say next. Even if my gut feel is screaming inside of me, preparing me for the worst, I still hold on to the 5% chance that maybe I am being fooled by my overthinking once again. So I conceal my emotions and ask in a forceful smile, "Who is it? Your new boyfriend?"

"No, just a new guy who's courting me."

At that point, everything went silent. All I heard was the long beeping sound that you often hear in hospital rooms when a patient's heart stops beating. I froze on the spot, waiting for you to cut the act and tell me that it was a prank or another "test" to see if I still had feelings for you. But I don't hear anything.

As I pretended to be ok, I asked how he looked, and you showed me your picture together. Looking back, I don't really know why I did that. Either I want to prove to myself that you're telling the truth, or I just want to hurt myself even further.

My mind was racing with so many whys, asking for reasons why it only took you a few weeks to entertain others. I want to ask you what happened to the words:

"you'll hold on"?

And "you'll wait until you meet again the person that you chose to love from the beginning."

and to the belief that "we can still fix this."?

Honestly, there's a part of me that wants to judge you and tell you,

"Are you that desperate enough to look for a new lover?"

But the fact that it was me who first gave up on us prevailed on my head, and so I kept quiet.

After a while, I accompany you as you go back to your office. Every step I take prepares me for the realization that this is the final time I'll ever see you again. No more chances, no more fixing.

As we stood in front of your office building, I took the chance to look you straight in the eyes as the memories of our happy moments flashed back in my mind. I took a deep breath, and this time, I'm the one who's holding my tears from falling. Even if it is obvious, I still kept it together and pretended that I'm fine, but deep inside I was breaking apart.

We embraced. A tight and meaningful one. You wish me well while I can't talk anymore. I want to kiss you, but will it make any difference?

I looked at your face and saw a sense of peace in you. I don't know if you are finally getting the closure that you need. Or being satisfied with the karma that I'm having. But whatever it is, I knew deep inside that you are now contented.

Two years and three months might be a quick one, but I'm lucky and still grateful for the chance to experience the feeling of what it's like to have a partner. More than the hurt and regrets, what's important are the lessons that I've learned that will help me in my future relationships.

As of now, I'm not actively looking for a new partner, but I’m not closing any doors. If it comes, then that's great, but if not, then I'll just continue to improve myself and be the best person that someone deserves to have.

As I finally end our story here, I just want to tell you again, thank you, Kyle; whatever happens, you'll always have a special place in my heart 🥹