"NOT A GOOD PERSON"

(The line that shook me)

Yes, it really did.

Recently, I had an altercation with a coworker where my insecurities got the best of me. In the aftermath, I fully acknowledged my mistakes and promised others that it will not happen again.

But during the conflict, when emotions were high and harsh words were flying back and forth, one line cut deeper than the rest.

He said,

“You think you’re a good person? You’re not.”

It stopped me in my tracks.

Not because I felt like I had been caught doing something secretly terrible, like an undercover thief that was exposed. It shook me because it made me doubt all the small acts of kindness I’ve done for the people around me.

I did these things simply because I wanted the people around me to never feel alone. I hoped that, in some small way, they would see me as someone who could listen

I think of the times I spent my own money to buy office supplies for my coworkers.

The moments I volunteered to decorate our workspace for someone’s birthday.

The simple gestures—greeting them, asking how they were, offering a compliment.

Even the times I worried when they faced health issues or had difficulties with other colleagues.

I did these things simply because I wanted the people around me to never feel alone. I hoped that, in some small way, they would see me as someone who could listen, someone they could feel safe with. Someone who could make our shared space feel a little lighter, a little brighter.

When I did those things, I felt genuine happiness.

And in return I helped others too. Because I knew the feeling of not being noticed, of not being seen

I never kept score.

I never expected anything in return.

I never treated my gestures as favors people owed me.

But when I heard those words, something shifted inside.

Suddenly, I questioned everything.

For most of my life, I’ve been a recovering people-pleaser.

I grew up feeling like I had to earn love and attention. I wasn’t the most attractive person in the room. I didn’t have money to impress people with, and I certainly wasn’t known for being exceptionally intelligent.

So my last options were to become kind and to become funny.

But despite that, I know in my heart that I still tried to do good. So when I heard that line from him, a simple phrase remained in my mind. It still wasn't enough.

Growing up kindness helped me get noticed. Humor helped me be heard. Those were the tools I used to exist in the world without feeling invisible. And in return I helped others too. Because I knew the feeling of not being noticed, of not being seen, of not being included, I don't want others to feel that way.

And for the longest time, it worked.

Or so I thought.

I know I'm not perfect.

I can enumerate all the bad things I did to others.

But despite that, I know in my heart that I still tried to do good.

So when I heard that line from him, a simple phrase remained in my mind.

It still wasn't enough.

The things I did to them, still wasn't enough.

The jokes I made, still wasn't enough.

The person that I am, still wasn't enough.

So when can I be enough?

How can I be enough?

Will I ever be enough?

It's been five days, but for some reason, those words still echo in my mind. They still haunt me, eating me alive.

My coworker and I have patched things up and we're good now.

But to be honest, the pain is still there.

Because despite the fact that I want to think that he didn't say that on purpose,

It still hit me.

I got hurt.

I got offended.

It's been five days, but for some reason, those words still echo in my mind.

They still haunt me, eating me alive.

I ask myself:

Maybe whenever I buy something for the office, I overstep responsibilities that the company is supposed to handle.

Maybe people feel I go over the top, and decorating the space makes them feel like they have to give something back even when they don’t want to.

Who am I, anyway? I’m just an ordinary working guy, like everyone else.

Maybe people don’t want to be bothered.

Maybe they don’t want others meddling in their issues.

And maybe asking how they are forces them to share things they’d rather keep private—making them uncomfortable.

Who am I, anyway? I’m just an ordinary working guy, like everyone else.

Maybe I’m not what I think I am.

Just a pretentious, self-appointed “savior” to people who didn’t want to be bothered.

So maybe he’s right... that I’m really not a good person after all.

#NotAGoodPerson #SelfReflection #InnerThoughts #EmotionalWriting #PersonalGrowthJourney #HealingInProgress #SelfAwareness #OverthinkingMind #LateNightThoughts

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