"LOST SHEEP"

(another broken promise...)

I was scrolling through my gallery and saw this photo from earlier this year. My plan was to keep this and make a collage of our selfies once we finish our seven LST (Love Someone Today) sessions. I was so hopeful and excited that day because after 13 years in the community, I'll be finally be having a one-on-one discipleship session with a leader that I trust and admire. Back then, I can still remember the feeling of joy and the risk of finally learning to trust again and to open up after being betrayed and abandoned by my past leaders in The Feast.

But just when I thought I was ready to take that risk again, it turned out to be another failed attempt. Maybe I didn’t respond the way he expected in our sessions and that made him lose interest. Or maybe he just got busy — who knows? But you know what, deep inside I honestly thought he’d still followed up to continue the LST. However, nine months passed… nothing came.

You might ask, “Why didn’t you message him?” For what? To be turned down again? To hear another set of empty promises, telling me that this time he will be committed to journey with me only to be left hanging again in the end? Honestly, I’m just… tired. My heart’s tired. My mind is fed up..

So yeah… here I am, just an empty lost sheep, walking aimlessly, not really caring if anyone even notices me at all. I'm tired of trusting. Tired of hoping. Just… tired of everything.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at him, or anyone. I’m just tired of being promised something meaningful, only to be left halfway through. Or maybe I should be mad at myself instead? For being uninteresting and boring? like a broken record, telling the same story over and over again. Or maybe he’s the one who got tired… who got fed up. What if it’s really my fault all along? 💔