"ASK QUESTIONS"

(because 90% of the time, you don't know anything)

I started going to the gym in January of this year. I'm so pumped up on the first few months with my game face on. There were also times where I struggled to go and even contemplated if my decision to enroll was a wise decision. When I finally decided to go back after months of being consumed by my depression, I told myself that this time, I will commit to it 100%. So one of the things that I did was to hire a PT (physical trainer) to guide me properly on how to use their equipment and to address what are the things that I should focus on in my exercise.

We started last July, and at first, it was great. I felt a sense of fulfillment whenever I achieved my goals in our sessions. My coach has a lot of stories to tell, and I noticed how he makes an effort to connect with me even though our personalities were extremely far from each another. He is extroverted, talkative, and somehow aggressive, while me on the other hand, am rather reserved, introverted, and speak in few words.

Two months into having Coach Nico (not his real name) as my PT, I noticed that there were times where I felt he was getting frustrated and disappointed at me.

The reason why I have this kind of demeanor is because I'm really anxious and get easily overwhelmed by people at the gym. Whenever I'm passing by, I make sure to put my head down, looking directly at the floor as I walk so not to make any awkward glances at others and for me not to notice if there are anyone who judges my appearance. Later on, It took a point where I'm starting to experience anxiety attacks, and the fact that I don't have anyone to express what I'm feeling aggravates the situation. (I'll be writing a separate post regarding this.)

Two months into having Coach Nico (not his real name) as my PT, I noticed that there were times where I felt he was getting frustrated and disappointed with me not being able to follow his instructions correctly. I mean, all the workout routines that he is teaching are all new, and for me I need to get familiar with them first before actually doing the workout. He wants me to do the routine faster, and which is not really a problem, but whenever it takes me a few minutes to get used to his instructions, he tends to raise his voice and becomes more intense.

At first, I didn't mind it. I just think that he just wants to push me (which is what a normal coach should do) or maybe he wants to squeeze in a lot of exercises as much as possible within our one hour of session. But as days go by, it becomes overwhelming, which triggers my negative self-thoughts:

"Tanga ba ko?" (Am I stupid?)

"Ang simple ng tinuturo di ko pa magawa!" (The instructions are simple yet I'm not able to do it?)

"Nakakapagod akong turuan, nasasayang ang oras namin" (I'm too difficult to train, our time is wasted away)

I want to get the hang of it first in my head before actually doing it, but after a few failed attempts, he once again raised his voice with frustration to the point of shouting.

Thoughts of unworthiness and not being enough start to creep in, and as much as I want to take a break and prioritize my mental health, I can't just simply do that because in my head, skipping a PT session would mean a waste of time and money, so I decided to just endure this mental torture as long as I could. But later on, I then realized that I could only tolerate as much before I start to spiral down.

In our recent PT session, the same thing happened. Coach Nico starts to teach me a new workout routine that involves fast and complicated footwork. Of course, I want to get the hang of it first before actually doing it, but after a few failed attempts, he once again raised his voice with frustration to the point of shouting. At that point, I also raised my voice and told him:

"Teka lang, wag mo kong sigawan!" (Wait a minute, don't shout at me!)

But take note that when I said those words, I made it appear as a "joke," but reading between the lines, it is obvious that I'm serious. I took a deep breath after and pondering what I should do next. When our session was over I then decided to speak to the manager of the gym and tell her what happened.

The way he is being aggressive and raising his voice is just a way of expressing his inner turmoil and a reflection of what he is going through.

As it turns out, Coach Nico is also undergoing an issue recently, which makes him behave that way. The manager and some of the staff already spoke with him and told him not to be too aggressive with his clients and remain to be professional. But of course, let's also take into consideration the fact that when someone is going through something, you don't expect them to just be ok in an instant.

After hearing all of those, I understand now where he is coming from. The way he is being aggressive and raising his voice is just a way of expressing his inner turmoil and a reflection of what he is going through. I admit that there's a part of me that empathizes with him. Even though I don't know the details, I understand him a little better.

At the end of my conversation with the manager, we agreed that I'd take a one-week break from Coach Nico. The manager, on the other hand, will then relay what we discussed in our conversation to him and explain the situation. When the manager asked me if I wanted to replace Coach Nico and find another one, I declined the offer. I told her that despite what I experienced, deep down I know that it was not his entire fault why he acts like that. He is not a bad person after all. So I'll give him another chance.

Since the beginning of our sessions, he always asked me if I'm ok but didn't bother asking him back.

As I write this, I received a text from Coach Nico apologizing for what happened, and he look forward to our next training session. I replied to him, saying that since I assume that he already spoke with his manager, I just reiterate that I'll be taking a break from our session. I also told him that this is beneficial to him as well as it will give him time to gather himself, process everything and hopefully address his personal issues.

If there is one thing that I failed to do in this situation is that I wasn't able to consider asking Coach Nico if he is okay. Since the beginning of our sessions, he always asked me if I'm ok but didn't bother asking him back. I was caught up with myself, forgot that there are people around me who might be experiencing some things but just don't have the opportunity to speak out.

As an advocate of mental health, it once again proved that we can't just simply judge a person's behavior based on what we are seeing from the outside. Always ask yourself why this person behave this way or what would be the factors why he ends up like this. We should learn to understand the other person's situation.

I left the gym feeling relieved, and my mind started to become clearer. But most importantly, the fact that I was able to voice out my concern is like giving myself a pat on the back because what I did was like telling myself that I was able to love myself more, protect my mental health, and knowing my value as a person. (Wish I could speak out earlier though!)

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