"AN AFTERTHOUGHT"

(Always present, rarely chosen)

I lived in an environment where I was rarely anyone’s priority. My foster parents often focused on my siblings’ needs more than mine, believing it was fine to leave me out because I would understand anyway. Sometimes I do. Oftentimes, I don't.

That pattern followed me into my "friendships". Whether intentional or not, I was usually the last person to know things, the last one to be invited in events, the one people remembered only when it was convenient.

I would be the first to volunteer not to come along. I’d make up the most random but convincing excuse—something they wouldn’t question anymore.

Back then, I would turn that hurt inward. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me. Why do people often forget me? Did I give too much, or not enough? Was there something about me that made me so easy to overlook?

I eventually got used to that kind of situation. Over time, I found myself slowly detaching from others. Instead of being left out, I began choosing to be left behind. Whenever my family would go somewhere, I would be the first to volunteer not to come along. I’d make up the most random but convincing excuse—something they wouldn’t question anymore. And when I was finally alone, that’s when I learned to appreciate the silence: to breathe, to let go, and simply be myself.

What if this is where God intended me to be? What if I was shaped to be this kind of person; not the first one chosen, but the one who just listens?

There were still moments when loneliness would creep in, and I would find myself wondering why I still carry this sense of sadness and emptiness. But as I became more familiar with it, my thoughts eventually shifted to others. I realized that everyone has their own struggles in life, most of them hidden behind masks as they simply move forward. And in that realization, I slowly became the kind of person others could lean on. I made myself available. To becoming the one who listens without judgment, the one who stays when others need to vent out. Whenever I do those things, I didn’t expect anything in return, but honestly, deep down, there was still a small hope that someone would show up for me too. That maybe, just once, I’d cross their mind when I needed someone. But more often than not, I didn’t.

Lately, though, as I’ve begun to acknowledge my feelings and see my own worth, a different mindset started to form.

Maybe God already knew that giving me a "best friend" will just end up badly. That maybe I’d become too much, or too heavy to carry.

What if this is where God intended me to be? What if I was shaped to be this kind of person; not the first one chosen, but the one who just listens? Maybe I’m not meant to be someone’s best friend, but someone’s safe space instead?

Maybe God already knew that giving me a "best friend" will just end up badly. That maybe I’d become too much, or too heavy to carry. That no matter who I hold onto, it would eventually slip away.

Well, if that's the case, then maybe I'll just accept this fate as early as now. That I'll forever be in the sideline. The stopover for anyone who wants to recharge or vent out their frustrations too, and once their had their fill. They will just drove again as if nothing happened.

I had to accept what the destiny has given. That instead of looking at this as a curse, I'll just take this as my purpose and my fate. A person that will not be remembered. A person who doesn't belong to any friendship. A person that will never crossed in anyone's mind.

Just an afterthought.

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