"PAIN"
- NeonLights
- Sep 20, 2019
- 2 min read
Updated: Sep 23, 2019
It is my constant companion.
It is my constant shadow.
The only thing that did not leave my side.
The only thing that stays with me.
You cannot see it.
You cannot see it through scars, bruises or wounds.
Because it is inside of me.
In my mind, in my heart.
Every tragic part of my life,
every trauma, every hurtful past
It is like food for it.
That is why as I grow, it will surely follow.
There are times that I tamed it with joy, fun and laughter.
There are times that I forgot that it ever existed at all!
That I'm the bravest guy in the room and nothing can stop me.
But there are also times...
Just like now...
That I'm just overwhelmed by its presence inside of me.
That every day, it's getting bigger...
And stronger...
And wilder.
And I just can't stop it.
We've been battling for almost a week now.
Finding out who will take control of my body.
And lately, based on my scoreboard,
It's winning...
It's overtaking me...
Slowly...
Little by little...
People who don't seem to care remains to be silent.
People who just need me seems to avoid me.
But people who really care don't know what words to say.
Others will get tired easily.
Others will judge me.
While others I pushed away.
But that is understandable.
Because how can I love others when I don't even like myself?
When I'm just forcing to "like" myself.
To "love" myself.
To "accept" myself.
To "forgive" myself.
That is why I easily attached myself to others.
Hoping that I'll discover myself through them.
Hoping that I'll learn to love myself through them.
Wishing that I'll know how to accept myself through them.
But at the end of the day,
People are People.
They commit mistakes.
They will fail you.
They will eventually leave you.
They will not stay forever.
So here I am, once again...
Alone.
Broken.
Abandoned.
Left behind.
Insecure.
Overthinking.
Wishing that I'm somebody else.
Praying to God to just take these emotions and to just wake up feeling indifferent and numb.
So I'll not feel being alone again.
So that I'll not feel any love at all.
So that I'll not feel any HURT again.
Sometimes we taught that people who took their own life are weak and selfish.
But if we look on closely, you will see that they are actually strong.
Imagine, we're not sure how many days, months or years this person is keeping the pain inside of him.
I know that if there are other ways of finding a solution to his problem, of course, he would take it.
If he had other options besides killing himself, do you think he will not do it?
Do you think of there's an instant pill that would take away all depression he will not take it?
And how dare you calling them selfish!
The reason why they DID it is that they don't want to be a burden to others anymore.
They don't want to be the reason why people adjust their schedules or cause any trouble.
And at the end of their life, they still think of other people. They just don't want to see people getting tired of them or leave them that's why escaping in this world is the best option.
Now I understand them.
Because they thought that taking one's life will be the only solution for the PAIN to just go away and to achieve PEACE.
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