"VOICES"

Once again, here I am sitting in the middle of my room staring blankly at the white-painted wall that has been built more than twenty years ago. The bright light from the ceiling separates me in the center while all around me are just covered in unknown darkness. I was in this state for minutes - minutes that turn into hours just because of a single possible thought that may or may not happen.

These racing thoughts that are getting bigger and bigger became uncontrollable. Overwhelming emotions that became unbearable. It seems to took over my body until I don't know anymore what to feel.

Will I feel joyful even if I feel like a total wreckage? or will I feel wasted even though I'm blessed?

Here I am in this situation of standing in the middle of two opposing sides. A side of me who wants to be TRULY happy and grateful because of all the love that I'm receiving from my friends and another side where doubts and fears lingers - worrying about up to what extent this same love from my brothers will last? What if they get fed up?

I'm waking up every moment, listening to these two voices in my head jumping from one to another. And since I'm in the middle of the battlefield, I'm not so sure who's winning anymore.

Until my endpoint is this... to just flee and hide from the world.

I want to be alone BUT I want someone to be beside me. (not to advise but to just be present)

I want to detach BUT I'm afraid to be left out.

I want to go back BUT afraid to be attached.

I want someone to talk to BUT I'm afraid that they will get fed up at me.

I want to receive love BUT I don't want others to see me as demanding or 'clingy"

I want someone to notice me BUT I don't want to be a burden.

And If I ever decide to go back,

Will there be still someone who will welcome me?

Because I'm afraid that people "will just PRETEND" to listen just for the sake of it.

As much as possible, I don't have the strength anymore to retell my situation.

And that my friend is my world...

E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y

There would be times that I blame myself for having this feeling again. I'm already part of a community, I'm surrounded by loving people and yet here I am, I'm still wrestling with depression, emptiness and unworthiness. How pathetic I am.

Right now,

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted from all this overthinking.

That's why sometimes, I just want to end it all...

PERMANENTLY.

But despite all of these, I promised Him not to take myself to that level. Because after all, there is still a part of me that wants to hold on to the truth. That all life is sacred... Even mine.

So here I am, struggling to get through the day locked in my mind.

Trying as much as I can not getting others to be affected by the turmoil inside my head. Sometimes, I just caught myself struggling to breathe. Sometimes, I just don't want to get up from bed. Sometimes, I drink just to alleviate the pain of unknown sadness that's crippling me time and time again.

Sometimes, I'll rise a notch higher, bus most of the time - thoughts of abandonment, insecurities and unworthiness pulls me back five steps downward.

Just when I'm starting to pick up the pieces one by one, another thought will come in, hitting me once again.

As I stumble and fall once more, I saw this fifty-nine blue beads all connected by a string with a cross at the end - it was my ROSARY. And I instantly remembered the promise that I said to my Creator when I started this spiritual journey. That no matter happens, I will not run away again from His grace and presence. And that night even though it's difficult, I held on to it and for a brief moment... I prayed. I cried. I hoped.

But this time, this prayer is different. No more structured words and patterns. No more deep theological words. No more background music. Just pure, raw words. At that moment, as the moon illuminates the dark corners of my room, I tried and struggled to find the words to say. I was battling with my emotions and with myself. Who won? I do not care anymore. What I want is for this feeling of abandonment to simply go away.

As the new morning comes, I know that this depression, loneliness and anxieties are still here. But compared to the previous 3 weeks, I can safely say that I'm much better. Not yet totally recovered but I know healing is on its way. I may not fully ok but I'm hoping that someday I will be.

---

PS

For those people who are getting affected, I'm sorry. It's just that I don't have an outlet for this and I might lose it if I keep it inside. But if you'll ask me, what you can do to help me? Well, there's no specific "solution" for this but it will help if someone could just lend a listening ear, has a long patience, complete attention and someone that will be able to distract me from myself. If you ever have a chance to meet me, please don't force me to explain what is happening to me, I'm tired of it. Allow me be the one who will open the topic to you but every once in awhile, I need reassurance that you're just there. No sermons, no more corrections - there's a proper time for that. And if ever I'm ready to tell my story, and you're not ready or have other things to do - please tell me before I start, so I can adjust, so I will not waste my time expecting a response from you. I just need someone's undivided attention.