"ALLERGY" pt.1

One of the most annoying things that people may get is having an allergy to a specific food.

Some people might get allergic to eating shrimp. Others would be peanuts while there are some won't eat eggs nor drink milk. The irony of this is that people would not totally "hate" the food they are allergic to but sometimes, they even risk eating it because for them it tastes good. It's like avoiding something because you know its bad for you but you also know that this would give you joy and happiness.

There are people would also get another type of "allergy". But instead of food, they prefer to avoid certain types of people. People that would normally give them negative vibes, people who always complain or always demotivate you in other ways. These are kinds of traits that as much as possible we should stay away from because we know that if we linger with them so much, you'll never notice that one day you might become the person you don't want to hang out with!

I can say that I too have an allergy. This allergy, unlike others, is a burden of mine since my teenage years. I realize that I do have this allergy just recently. I would often notice it but I don't pay attention to it because for me it's just another normal day.

While there is "bad" food that you should not eat or there are people that have "bad" traits that you should avoid, my allergy is not bad. To be honest, everyone needs this. It just so happens that compare to other basic sources of allergies as previously mentioned, this can become badly worse as time goes by. The harm it can inflict may not appear physically but will surely manifest emotionally and even mentally. The funny thing is that the negative effects of this "allergy" can affect MORE to other people rather than to me. And this allergy called -

RELATIONSHIP.

Yup! You heard it right. Relationship is my allergy. Whether it's with my family, friends or officemates, I never really have a stable relationship with any of them. The cycle of relationships has this same routine:

I'll get to know a person,

I'll hangout with them, spend some time with them, will give my full love and heart on them,

I'll get attached, I'll get disappointed.

Then I'll withdraw, I'll step back, I'll become cold.

I'll apologize, I'll blame myself for expecting too much.

I'll get depressed, I'll try to move on and will eventually close the chapter that I have with that person.

Before you judge me, I can say that somehow I've learned to handle it better now compare to before. I've learned not to be fully attached to that person. Learned not to expect too much. Know that the person also has a "life" outside your friendship. I also realized that there is no perfect "person". Every people you will meet no matter how good that person is will one day fail you.

But right now, as I checked my new set of relationships, I have ticked everything that I just mentioned above. As far as I know, I never demanded anything. I remain quiet on the sidelines. But sadly, no matter how cautious I am, no matter how I do a self-check to make sure I'm not going overboard, still I end up here.

ALONE.

Blaming myself (again) why is it that for the nth time, I never been able to make any of my relationship lasts long. And I've been so guilty and overwhelmed knowing that it is me who (once again) put the burden to my friends.

They were the reason why I went back to the community. The reason why I chose to pursue Christ and journey with Him again. The love of God flows through them to fill me up every week.

But things are different now. I'm in the point wherein if I should let them go or to still holdning on. But how can I let go if having a relationship is one of the main factors for my healing? How can I stay if you know that you will just burden them with your thoughts?

I'm happy and feel loved when I'm with them. But I easily get attached. And I'm afraid that I'll become controlling and possessive. I'm afraid that I'll hurt them which I will never forgive myself if I did. They are too good and too nice to be hurt just like that.

As I open myself to them every week, mentioning the same struggles, the same issues, they are gracious enough to listen and understand and I'm very thankful.

But reality is... Until when? Until when their patience will last? Until when they can keep up with all my heartaches? What if one day, I'll just receive a message saying that

"Sorry, you're no longer welcome, we can't tolerate anymore your attitude and behavior"

what if they close the door on me?

(to be continued...)

SOURCE: https://careynieuwhof.com/5-reasons-you-shouldnt-preach-other-peoples-sermons/