"PUZZLE"

(The piece that doesn't fit)

While scrolling through my feed, I came across my sister’s posts. A little further in, I saw pictures from the short family vacation they took last April.

They looked happy. Complete. Like they really enjoyed themselves. And just like every other time, I wasn’t there. I chose not to be.

Why? Because silence feels like home. Having the house to myself for the weekend means peace. But if I’m being honest, there’s more to it. I’ve never truly felt like I belonged. Maybe it's because I’m still not fully okay with the fact that they’re not my biological family. On the outside, it might look like everything’s fine. But in my head, there’s still that aching feeling of being out of place.

I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. Every puzzle I come across already looks complete—like there’s no space left for me.

That feeling has followed me into other parts of my life—into friendships, into work. Even when I’m laughing with people, even when I’m part of the group, there’s a voice in the back of my mind wondering what they really think of me. It’s like I expect rejection before it even happens. They haven’t done anything to make me feel this way—but I still do.

And I don’t tell anyone, because deep down I’m afraid that if I open up about this, they’ll walk away. Then I’d really be alone.

I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. Every puzzle I come across already looks complete—like there’s no space left for me.

And when you constantly feel like there’s no place for you, it becomes easy to disappear into the background. You start wondering if your presence—or your absence—really matters to anyone. You go quiet not because you have nothing to say, but because you're not sure anyone would notice if you did. After a while, that thought stops being painful. It just becomes normal.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even show up at my funeral. And if they did, would they cry? Or would they just be there to ease their own guilt, to say that they don't owe me anything?

Will I ever belong somewhere?

And how can I belong anywhere when I feel so far apart from myself?

Picture courtesy of Pinterest