"LOST, BUT FOUND"
- NeonLights
- Sep 8, 2019
- 9 min read
Updated: Oct 21, 2019
You may have heard this typical story of how I came to be like 'me'.
A fatherless, emotionless, unresponsive father with no bonding with his son and an overbearing mother will surely produce a kid just like me. A sheltered kid who rarely goes outside to play with other children his age. Always alone while other family members are either in school or working, afraid of disobeying the family (but sometimes he did!) and his world just revolved within the four walls of his room.
Unknown
My close friends during my childhood years were mostly girls. I don't see anything wrong with that. All I knew at that time was I have four female close friends... Just four female close friends. Everything seems ok but early on, I noticed that my family seems to do a sarcastic smile whenever I shared with them about my female friends the next common question that I would be asked of me is...
"Don't you have any male friends?"
"No" I answered
"Why?" they asked me further
"It's because most of them are rowdy, naughty and difficult to have a conversation with." I said and the questioning would stop.
But the real reason why I don't have any male friends is that I was either bullied or ridiculed by them. They are assertive, sometimes aggressive and since I don't get along with them, most of the time they would conclude that I'm weird, a weakling, a sissy and (you knew it!) gay. This is also the reason why I did not develop any interest in any sports like basketball which at the time one of the possible ways I can have bonding with my male classmates.
Inside the classroom, when my male classmates tease one another to a female classmate, I always cannot relate to them. I was like "Why they are so shy talking to girls? Come on, I can talk to them - no problem!" I have no interest in getting to know girls because I already have four of them in my circle. But the boys? That I'm curious. I don't know how to approach them and I'm always amazed how 'cool' they are. How does it seem that everything is so easy for them? What is it with this male 'specie' that I'm so unfamiliar with? It was like they are so foreign to me. Isn't it ironic that I want to approach them to get to know them but afraid to be bullied and be embarrassed once more?
Unaware
This curiosity of the male persona and how should it look like, grew inside of me. With no father beside me to answer my questions and an elder brother which most of the time always at work, the next best thing that I can get answers to is the television and the internet. And the answer that I got is this - that an image of a real man should have a chiseled face. broad shoulders and developed and firm muscles. A real man is someone whose handsome with a lot of girls clinging to him. A man should be boastful, arrogant, and doesn't show any emotion at all. This false image of manhood became my standard - a standard that I knew from the start that I will never achieve.
Slowly, this curiosity became idolatrous when I just found myself sneaking late at night to watch fashion shows on television hoping that they would feature male models walking on the runway. I would also collect magazines and newspapers featuring shirtless men so that I can cut them and taped them at the back of my cabinet door. So that no one can see them except me.
At this point, I didn't realize that I'm starting to fall into the cycle of depression. Because I didn't feel the security and love from my family, the fact that I will never achieve that 'false' standard of being a man, I unknowingly blame myself and God for being 'ME'. Every night, I always pray to God that I'll just wake up one day and became the person that I idolize. That I'll just wake up and instantly become handsome, have a perfect body and very attractive. And having a low self-image, low self-esteem, poor body image and no self-confidence - It was like nothing is working for me and I was not in control of everything.
Unloved
A preacher once said that when you lack the love that you need, you tend to look for something that can satisfy that hunger. Even if that 'something' is a cheap version of the love that you desire for. And for me, it was pornography.
I was alone one night in front of my PC doing some homework when I decided to browse some profiles in Friendster. Until I visited one provocative account that has sensual videos of two men kissing passionately with each other. I got excited, my heart pounding, breathing became heavy and my adrenaline became so high. One video led to another and my supposedly cutoff time of 9 PM became 4 AM the following day.
When sensual videos from Friendster didn't satisfy me anymore, I decided to watch more graphic videos. One gay porn site led to another until it slowly consumed me. I have created a fantasy world where I control these men in the videos. That somehow, I can decide and tell them what to do. I was indeed addicted but I never admitted to it because I did not consider this as an addiction. For me, addiction is alcohol, smoking, gambling but pornography? this was just a hobby for me. A very dark and disastrous hobby. Masturbation? It's normal for teenagers like me. But why I'm still felt ashamed and empty inside?
Uncertain
Even though my fantasies in having same-sex attraction are these 'wild', I didn't dare to look for a serious relationship. I don't know why. Maybe you can consider the fact that I'm studying in a Catholic school at that time or maybe because I'm not yet earning money to pay any of my supposed to be partner or maybe I accepted the fact that no one will like me because of my physical appearance.
But I reconsidered my decision when I went to college. You see, college is a stage in a student's journey when your parents will start now to give you freedom. Freedom to be awake late at night, freedom to arrived home late at night and freedom to discover myself even more.
And this "discovering myself even more" led me to one of the gravest things (as for me!) I ever did. To have sex on the phone (SOP) to an ex-seminarian. At first, I didn't consider it a serious matter but looking back now, I just can't believe that I did that and the memory of it still lingers on my mind.
I became more expressive with my same-sex inclinations when I started working in 2011. At this point when I decided to identify myself as 'bisexual'. Although I'm still not 'coming out' to my family, I don't care anymore. All I know is that I enjoy just being myself - hanging with my openly gay officemates, we were such a happy group people who occasionally drinks and even though I'm not as 'open' as them, the fact that I belong to a group that I know I can be understood and will never be judged is such a great feeling. At this point, I already told myself that this will be my life now. A life of false sense of love and acceptance and since this is the 'cheapest' form of love that I can get, I took it anyway.
Uncontrollable
When I was introduced to our spiritual community, I discovered a different kind of love. A love that was not based on worldly matters but based on Jesus. As I started to know Him, I also met godly men in our community, I took notice on how they act and express themselves without forcing it on me. When I told my same-sex inclinations to one of our leaders, I did not receive any judgment whatsoever but instead the love and acceptance they have showed me remains the same. And because of this love, I once again asked myself not only how does a man look like but what does a GODLY man suppose to be.
Just like what you most commonly heard from other testimonies, it is true that being part of a weekly prayer gathering doesn't take away my attraction to men and sometimes it even got intensified because in the community, all men that I met are kinder, nicer and better than the men I encountered before. There are also moments when I committed myself to God telling Him that I will practice the virtue of chastity but I would always punish myself whenever I fail. At this point, I allowed myself to live a double life persona wherein I will worship the Lord with all my heart on Sundays but pleasured myself with pornography for the rest of the week. At first, I feel ashamed but later on, I just gave up and conclude that maybe chastity is not my thing and that no matter how hard I try to abstain from this sin of lust, I will always fail so I just lose hope altogether.
Unplanned
As the years passed by, there are some moments in my life that God showed His immense love for me. He continued to accept me and love me despite my sins. I want to give back the glory and love to Him as a form of thanksgiving but I know that I cannot do it 100% because of this dark secret that I kept on hiding from Him. Until one day, as I reevaluate my identity I realized that maybe I just need someone who will show me how to be a TRUE MAN of God. Since I have no male-figure to look up to during my childhood, what I need to do is to find a brother who is real and Christ-centered and whom I can look up to for me imitate what a TRUE MANHOOD supposed to be. Even though I'm attracted to the same-sex, I know deep in my heart that my identity is not gay or bisexual but a CHILD OF GOD.
Days, months and years had gone until I came to a point that I lose hope that my prayers will come true. I also tried joining a Catholic group that caters to my struggles but it didn't end up well. But you see, God is indeed full of surprises. He will not let a single prayer unanswered and instead of just giving me only one companion in this journey, He gave me a whole TEAM!
When I joined my Light Group in June of 2019, I'm not sure why but I instantly was drawn to this group of brothers. Not because of their looks but there is something inside me that tells me that I've found my home as if the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart telling me that this is God's answered prayer. The irony of this is that even though I haven't told my secrets to all of them, they unknowingly showing me that this is what a Godly man should look like.
As I observe them, the way they talk, how they speak about their achievements, how they pray for their dreams, how they also shared their experiences with girls etc. I was like Woah! I realized that it was God-ordained that I was supposed to be here with my brothers. I had a paradigm shift from the false image of men that I used to know. And as I continue to bond with them, as we shared our vulnerabilities with each other, little by little it dawned on me that I think this is the right time to REALLY change my ways and surrender my sin to God. I need to finally accept that on my own, I can't overcome these struggles but now that I have my brothers, accountability partners and His grace everything will be bearable.
For the first time, I did a radical thing (as for me!) I deleted all my pornographic videos and pictures in my cellphone which I held on to for so many years. I stopped stalking all the men that I used to adore and worship because of their face and body. I also removed all of my 'sinful' accounts on Facebook and Instagram and unfollow pages and people that will lead me back to sin.
Undying Love
Because of the love of God that has shown to me by my brothers, I decided to once again step out of my comfort zone and try to practice the virtue of chastity and with all humility I can say that as of this writing (Sept 2019) I've been abstaining from masturbation and pornography for three months now. I cannot do this without His constant grace and mercy and also with the support of some of my brothers in my Light Group.
After three months, I never felt so close to God. I felt the freedom and love that I've never felt before. Every time I come to Him in prayer and surrender everything to Him, there is a sense of lightness that I just can't explain.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that I'm an expert in overcoming same-sex attraction. I'm still learning on this every day and I do believe that I still have a long way to go. Because Chastity is more than abstaining from pornography and self-gratification. We also make sure that all the things that we heard, things that we say are pure and holy. Chastity is building an intimate relationship with God, refocusing the perspective from what is bad and immoral to what is good and true. It is the ability to see a person not as a sexual object of desire but also a child of God who is created in His image and likeness.
Yes, my same-sex attraction is still there. But right now, instead of a burden, I took it as my cross. I accepted it that if this is what God wants me to bear then with all humility I will gladly take it. As of now, there are still moments wherein I fail Him and thoughts of sexual impurities still come in but I know that this time instead of hiding I will now bring this to His light because I have a God whose mercy endures forever. As long as I hold on to His love, as long as there is a part of me who is willing to repent, I know that He will always be there waiting for me.
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