"FATE-FULLY"

Like most people, I was born in an average household. I have a mother, a father and the youngest among five siblings (1 eldest brother and 3 sisters). Although we are not that rich, we are still blessed and fortunate enough to have a home and able to eat three times a day.

As a kid, I do most of what normal kids would do - play, go to school, watch their favorite programs on the television etc. But like many other families, we also have imperfections that will forever be part of my life.

The Absentee Father

From what I can remember as a child, I’m always afraid of my father. For some reason, I’m always feeling scared when he is around. I would serve him his dinner, give him his slippers and making sure that he has the remote control. When he talks, he is very authoritative and in a very strict and mean tone. He is the “man” of the house where what he says goes with no questions asked. I never have the opportunity to bond with him. He leaves very early in the morning and arrives at around ten at night when I’m about to go to bed. During weekends, all he does is watch TV all day. He is cold, he is very distant. And yes, I didn’t receive any emotional support from him.

I also experienced several instances wherein if I committed even the slightest mistake, he would tell me that I’m stupid, or I’m too slow or sometimes he usually say – “Ang dali-dali lang nyan, di mo pa magawa ng tama”. Although he never abuses me unlike the common stories we heard in the news, there are still moments that he hit me. But more often than not, he always utters strong, degrading words that hurt me emotionally. As a result, I develop a sense of panic every time he commands something. Like I need to do the task in less than a minute or so. [I would also like to believe that this was the cause why I develop a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder whenever someone who hates me requested something from me.]

He is a type of guy who only speaks a few words but when he does speak its very strong and always likes to do what he wants. He doesn’t consider any suggestions from others. His way is should always be the right way.

I rarely see his smile. But when he does, he does this in the company of his drinking buddies. He spends most of his time with his friends than his own family. Although he is not a drunkard but what he does still affects us especially me.

The Overbearing Mother

My mother is no different than my father. Although she does spend more time with me, she is preoccupied with managing the house. I do believe that my character of being a perfectionist came from her. She wants everything in the house in the proper order. She doesn’t want anything out of place. She wants me to attain a certain type of person that is why she always compares me to my older brother. Like my father, I also experienced hurtful words from her like –

“I will never amount to anything”

“Hanggang dyan ka na lang”

“Walang magkakagusto sayo”

“Maarte!” (especially during times when I’m crying)

“Sa tingin mo magkakagusto sayo mga kaibigan mo?”

I know that deep inside of her, she doesn’t mean those words. She just wants me to realize that I need to learn to fix my life at an early age. But despite these, those words still cut through my heart and some of its wounds remain open up to now.

Distant Siblings

Having no close relationship with my siblings also contributed to my tendency to isolate myself. Although we are five siblings at home, most of my siblings are either busy in their college life while my brother already has his own family to take care of. I’m also hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings to them because I know they will not pay attention. Yes, they might hear me but they will not listen to me. Most of them will just dismiss my opinion when I speak while some just don’t have time for me.

There are also moments when they will just tell me that it’s better for me to just die. Or to go back to Bicol (more on this later) because they think that I’m just a burden in the family. So whenever I experienced any happy or sad moments, I just keep it all to myself. So that I will not annoy my family, I will not disturb them or waste their time. In short,

"Ayokong maging abala sa kanila"

And the only witnesses for my joy and tears are the four corners of my room.

Growing Up

Having said all of those, growing up people would think that I’m this “nice” kid in school. I’m the one who always close to the teachers, who makes assignments on time and although I did not graduate with honors, I see to it that I will not cause any violation in school. I would always pretend that I’m this joker, this kid who is happy to be with. This kid who do not want his teachers and classmates to neglect or ignore him and that is why he always wants to seek approval from everyone. In the end, he just doesn’t want to be left alone. Again.

Little by little, I develop this attitude who always comparing himself to others especially to my male classmates. My prayers only began with these three words – “How I wish…”

“How I wish, I’m smarter like him”

“How I wish, I’m kinder like him”

“How I wish, I’m braver like him”

“How I wish, I’m handsome like him”

“How I wish, I’m richer like him”

“How I wish, I’m him”

It’s hard to overcome those feelings because whenever I would try to tell myself I’m different, I’m unique there would always be a family member who will say otherwise. I grew up with low self-esteem, low self-worth, false humility and false self-confidence.

In all of that confusion and if that wasn’t enough, I also found out that the family that I’ve known for the past years is just my foster family - I'm just their adopted member.

My biological family from Bicol visited me on the day of my Elementary Graduation. They introduced themselves to me but at that point, I don’t have any feelings to them. I’m just indifferent. I did not feel any love but no hate either. No excitement but no rejection. I’m not sure why I reacted like that but thinking back, I knew that I still don’t have the right to complain or get mad at them because after all my foster family still provided all my basic needs. After that encounter, I didn’t see them ever since and I also don’t have any interests in searching for them.

High school and College Years

As puberty kicks in, so as my identity crisis. At this point in my life, I tend to question myself why most of my friends are girls and don’t have any interests in doing what a “normal” guy should be doing at this stage.

While most of my male classmates are out there in basketball courts. There I was always on the sideline. Afraid of even touching a ball fearing that when I missed a shot or when they notice that I'm weak or clumsy or 'effeminate' they would laugh at me. And that was so embarrassing. PE subject is the most dreaded subject for me because at this time that girls and boys will be separated and I tend to put my defenses up whenever we change our clothes. I ashamed of my body. I’m scared that other guys would make fun of me. I’m afraid that they will call me sissy, fat, or even - gay.

Although I don’t want to be near my male classmates, deep inside I would idolize them. That deep inside, I want their attention, their company, their friendship. And slowly, these feelings became sexualized and fantasies start to develop which result of me having same-sex attraction.

Transitioning to College is not so easy as well. Still haunted by my past wounds which never get healed and still having the same scenario at home. My negative personality became more serious, deeper and sometimes – darker.

Envy, Depression and my same-sex fantasies controlled me. I also became possessive with all the friends that I have. I tend to get mad easily when I saw that my friends are getting close with other of my classmates. My perfectionism got to a new level wherein I always tend to look for that "perfect" friend. I would often wear a mask whenever I relate and meet new people. I hide within this mask because I don’t want people to see the REAL me. I don’t want them to found out that behind this strong and funny facade is a weak me. I’m scared that when people see the REAL me, they will leave and abandon me. Like all the friends whom I trusted in the past but who also left me alone in the end.

Rock Bottom

During college is when I hit rock bottom. I just wake up one day feeling so ugly, so depressed, so lonely and doesn’t have the will to live. With no one to turn to, no one to trust to, the pain and hurts that I have kept for so long slowly builds up inside until it just burst inside of my chest.

I can still remember the feeling of emptiness. Those moments of waking but don’t want to get up. The feeling of wanting to live but inside your already dead. The feeling of just numbness to all the pains. Crying was my hobby. Masturbation was my release. Fantasies became my reality. And a knife was my companion.

The ironic part of this is that at this point, I already discovered Bo Sanchez and the Kerygma Magazine but you see, depression will not just go away by reading one passage from the bible or one inspiring story. It would take a long while. A very long, long while.

Spark of Light

Even though I already knew who Bo is (discovered him 2008 from the Kerygma Magazine that our school is giving to its students), it was not until just 2011 when I'm already working when I decided to attend the Feast. Apparently, a colleague of mine also knows Bo and already attending the Feast urge me to join her on that Sunday. After attending my first Feast in Valle Verde, my idea of who Jesus becomes somehow real and that knowledge of him that I would only read from my textbooks is totally different from what I have experienced that day. The feeling of wanting to attend every week and this thirst for His love makes me want to know Him more. Until I decided to start my journey with him last 2012 when I decided to serve him at Feast Ortigas and Feast BGC.

At the Feast, I have met so many loving, wonderful people who accepted me for who I am. They didn’t judge my appearance, where I came from and my past. I experienced a real EMBRACE and real friendship that I didn’t know before. It seems that at this point Jesus is telling me. “Finally, you’re home my son.”

Fate – Fully

Joining LOJ doesn’t erase the fact that I still sin, that I’m still attracted to the same-sex, or having episodes of depression. I also backslide in my faith, (for 3 years actually!) my difficulty in trusting other people, insecurities and envy are still there. But I know that God is using this community to make me go back to Him again whenever I fall.

Today, as I looked back I realized that God allows me to experience all those hurts and pains so that at the end of the day I will realize that I do not have anyone to hold on to but Him. He allows me to suffer so that He can show His love on me. So that I will realize that although people might have left me in the past, He will always still be with me. He orchestrated that I will go through all of these so that in the future He will use me to inspire people.

I do not know what my fate will be or what will be the next chapter of my story. But now that I know that God is with me, I am more aware that I’m fully blessed and fully love. I might fall back every once in a while but as long as He is there, I know I will be ok. ☺

#StoryInBlood #ThisIsMe #TheRealMe