"WHY CAN'T I?"

(the dark clouds came back...)

I opened my eyes realizing that a new day has just passed. It's still dark. I looked outside the window and saw the streets and pavement that are more silent than ever. The cold wind from the east matches the feeling I have inside right now. Desolate. Deserted. Desperate. The dark clouds of isolation and doubts hover me again. The parade came to a halt. No canopy that I can seek shelter to the rumbling and mumbling of the oncoming emptiness. Rain just fell on me. Drenched and soaked. And I conclude that I have arrived again in this familiar place of loneliness that starts to creep in from the locked door of my heart. I turned around and slowly got something to drink and moisten my throat again. A simple move that includes a lot of mental baggage. When the cup emptied, I pause. And just like that, an avalanche of thoughts tipped over my raft of sanity. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm fed up. I want to escape. But the question is - why can't I? I sat at the corner of my room pondering why is it difficult for me to let go? To move on? To live my life that way I really wanted to? Why is it hard for me to continue my life without the people I once share my story with? Am I being hypnotized? Shackled? Paralyzed? Because every time I tried to run away from them, just a few reassuring words and I'm back again. Back to square one. And the cycle repeats once more. I'm fed up with this repetitive cycle of highs and lows. I'm tired of forcing myself to be ok when I'm not. Every time I convince myself I'm fine, the other part of me retaliates at my own persona shouting that I'm not. That I'm just masking everything so that the only people that would understand me won't go away. My nightmares are coming to existence. My "Boggart"(1) is coming alive. Why can't I? Why can't I be like others wherein it is easy for them to just throw the towel away and take a different path? Am I just making a joke out of myself that this can still work out? or I'm the only one who believes that everything is still the way it used to be.

I tried to ignore it. I tried to suppress it. I tried to pretend that I'm not all over it anymore but a part of me just won't back down. I tried to tame it but the pain is still there. The wound is still open. But instead of healing it, I just leave it as it is. Trying to be oblivious to the fact that I've been hurt. And then a thought came to mind. Maybe the reason why I arrived in this same place, with the same thoughts is because I'm no longer part of the puzzle and deciding not to acknowledge it. Maybe I'm worn out, old and didn't fit anymore to the bigger picture of what a relationship should be. Maybe I'm a dead leaf fallen from the tree that has already regrown its stems in the warm summer day of spring. Or maybe I'm the bruised apple in a basket full of healthy ones. If that is my identity, then the right thing to do is for me to be discarded, thrown away, swept away to the abyss of nothingness. But still, I'm here. Forcing myself to be part of a team that doesn't deserve my stupidity and occasional snaps. I looked at their sealed lips and wonder, do they still want me? do they still see the goodness in me? Or they are just enduring every minute that I'm around. I'm afraid that one day they will force themselves to talk to me just for the sake of it when in fact, they want to stay away as much as possible. I can read changes in body movements. I can somehow analyze facial expressions, So if that happens, I'll probably freak out inside. It will shatter me. Completely.

I hit my head multiple times using my hands. Oftentimes, I do it against the wall. Telling myself, I blew it again. Another chance wasted because of pride, envy and vengeance. I can't take it anymore. Why can't I escape? Why can't I just be a good person? Why can't I be as loving, as kind, as accepting as others? Why am I stuck in this senseless, idiotic mind within this unattractive vessel? Why can't I just vanish into nothingness? If I'm only causing pain and misery to others, why am I still here?

So far, the answer is still the same - "I don't know"

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(1) Boggart - (Harry Potter character) an amortal shape-shifting non-being that takes on the form of its observer's worst fear.