"34"

(my birthday blog)

Nung nagdesisyon ko na magsulat ng reflection ko as I celebrate my 34th birthday, inisip ko kung ano bang magandang topic na pwedeng sabihin. Saang POV ba ako manggagaling at paano ko ba ito sasabihin. Pwede kong pasalamatan lahat ng mga tanong tumulong saken sa loob ng 34 years o kaya pwede kong banggitin lahat ng mga challenges na hinarap ko at ikwento kung paano ko ito nalagpasan.

Hanggang na-realize ko na gawin ko namang kakaiba itong article na ito. This time, gusto ko namang mag-focus sa sarili ko. I-honor at i-affirm ang sarili ko.

With those in mind, these are the things that I realize at 34:

(1) I CAN STILL CONTINUE MY DREAMS (even just for a slice)

- siguro one thing that I can say na masasabi ko na naging proud ako sa sarili ko ay yung nagkasama ako sa dalawang Acting Workshops. For those who didn't know, I love performing. I was part of our Theater Club in highschool that's why when I was asked what course I would take when I was transitioning to college, Mass Communication ang una kong naisip. But because of practicality, and lack of resources, nalihis ako ng path pero in my head, performing is still at the back of my mind. I was fortunately became part of the school's performing arts club when I was in college and became part of a few of their shows. When I graduated and became part of the working force, kahit kumikita na rin ng pera, I still wasn't able to join any workshops dahil mas inuna ko pa rin yung responsibilities at home and establishing myself.

Now in my middle 30's I can't still believe na nag-align talaga lahat ng outside forces para maka-join ako sa mga workshops. Sa tagal ko nang "iniwan" ang mundong ito, masaya akong malaman na andito pa rin yung kagustuhan kong matuto sa art na ito.

(2) IT IS EASIER NOW FOR ME TO LET GO OF PEOPLE

- Maybe it is because of my age, maturity ba ito or resulta ba ito ng mga pain of being betrayed by people I've trusted before but whatever it is, I think mas madali na para sa akin na mag let go ng mga tao lalo na kung feeling ko nag-cocomplicate lang sila sa akin. Siguro nga andito na ko sa stage na parang ayoko nang mag-waste ng energy at oras sa mga tao na feeling ko di naman ako nabibigyan ng halaga. Kung napapansin ko na di na align yung friendship namin sa isa't-isa, edi go.. pack up and then change set na agad! Dedma na kung how many years pa kayong magkakilala, once napagod na ako sa tao, then distansya na agad.

This time pinipili ko na yung mga tao na binibigyan ko ng explanation.

BUT I want to make it clear na I'm not closing my doors dun sa mga taong yun. If I feel na umokey sila, then go, wala naming masama pero yung para i-push ko pa yung sarili ko or ma-praning on finding out the reason why they are treating me differenty, jusko alis na. Not worth the panahon na. Let the universe run its course.

(3) I'M SLOWLY LEARNING TO VALUE MYSELF

- In line with my previous point, masasabi ko na na-pproud ako sa sarili ko kapag may mga bagay akong ine-express na di ko na iniisip masyado kung anong sasabihin ng tao. Kapag nasaktan ako, sasabihin ko sya. If I feel so much love and happiness, I express it. If there are things that makes me feel uncomfortable, I leave. Wala na akong pake kung anong sasabihin ng mga tao basta ako, whatever my decisions are, I stand by it. Although masasabi ko na malaking adjustment pa rin to sa akin dahil may pagka people pleaser din ako before kaya I think valuing myself more is still a work in progress.

BUT I need to also balance everything. Pipiliin ko pa rin kung sasabihin ko ba yung opinion ko or mas better kung aalis na lang kase syempre hindi ka naman pwedeng salita lang ng salita. Maging open ka pa rin kung may masasaktan ka at maging bukas sa puna ng mga tao. You can't just say what you want and then reason out "Eh kase ako to eh! Tanggapin nyo kong ganito!" Like beh, wag ganyan, di nakaka-premium.

(4) I'M BECAME CAUTIOUS WHO WILL I ALLOW TO ENTER INTO MY LIFE

- Kung mas madali na akong mag-let go ng tao, mas naging cautious na rin ko sa kung sino man yung mga taong papapasukin ko sa circle ko. I remember before, nako may magpakita lang sa akin ng katiting na kindness, feeling ko bestfriend ko na sya agad. Madali kasi akong ma-attach sa tao to the point na lahat ng sasabihin nung tao, papaniwalaan ko agad. But I learned na bawat tao may facade yan. May one step forward na magpapakita ng lahat ng positive side nya. Totoo man yun o hinde, di na ako masyadong mag-eexpect.

(5) I'VE LEARNED MY LIMITS

- As a recovering people pleaser, I used to do everything for a person just so that the person will like me back. If that person doesn't reciprocate the level of "friendship" that I expect in return, I self-destruct, I became anxious. Magtataka ako,

"Ano bang mali sa akin?"

"May nagawa ba ako o di ko nagawa bakit hindi nya pa rin ako ginagawa nyang bestfriend?"

Grabe, those were some of my destructive patterns na ayoko na talagang maranasan. That's why when I realize that kapag gagawa ka ng kindness sa iba, unang-una I need to realize na gagawin ko yung kindness na yun hindi dahil sa may hinihingi akong kapalit. Gagawin ko sya dahil gusto kong gawin yun talaga.

Second is as much as I want to help people the best of my availability, I'm not a superhero. Hindi ko kaya lahat. I learned that I have limits. If I felt na na-cocompromise na ang mental health ko and even physical health ko, that's the time na I'll stop. Mas dapat pa rin unahing alagaan ng sarili bago ang iba.

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Alam ko marami pa to. But at the moment, I think ito yung masasabi kong major things na natutunan ko as a 34-year old and will continue to learn as years goes by. Basta at this point, I'm happy, I'm contented with what I have. Marami pang gustong maabot na dreams, at mga challenges na pinagdadaanan, kaya tuloy pa rin ang laban! 💪🎂🥳🎉🎁