#016 - Purple Cage

I just found myself in the middle of this purple cage.

Nowhere to hide, no one to go to.

All I have is myself, my loose fitting shirt and white shoes.

Ready to be devoured by their menacing eyes, like an animal for slaughter.

No this is not a bloody battle.

There was not even metal bars that act as barriers.

No sharp teeth, No claws nor red eyes.

But even still, my fears were ten times more intense, more obvious, and I feel so anxious.

I'm not in a jungle, but in a place where walls have mirrors.

We don't have any weapons, but thick, heavy metal disc that have numbers.

I don't have any enemies, but every second I still look over my shoulders.

Waiting for those prying eyes, looking for signs of disgust because of my undeveloped physical appearance.

Every time I go here, I don't want to make any eye contact.

I don't want to make awkward glances, I don't want to provoke any fight.

They may not look like lions, but their built could compare to one.

Who am I? I'm just an inferior individual trying to find enjoyment even just for a while.

People would think that this is a quick fix.

Just don't go there and have my peace.

But it isn't that simple, no it is not.

Because deep down I know in this place, I'll become much better and stronger.

My body weren't bruised but my mind were.

Going here everyday is a mental torture.

My body is doing the work but my mind is the one who's tired and wants to let go.

Day by day I experience this pain that I have to endure, I just want to retreat and hide in the shadow.

Whenever I'm not able to reach my goal, I felt like everything is wasted.

Time, money, efforts - Am I just fooling myself?

There were days that I was able to pretend.

Whenever I open the door, walking away from the bathroom, struggling to adjust my tone to sound like everything is good, I'm so relieved that the day finally ended.

But most of the time, no matter how I force myself to be ok,

I feel defeated. A failure. Worthless.

If you'll ever see me, you could catch me knocking my head with my wrists.

In a foolish attempt to stop those racing thoughts that says I'm not able to make it.

I just want it to stop!

I just want to fall in my knees and shout:

"I'm doing the best I can but nothing is happening!"

"Why is it hard for me to improve my physicality?"

"I just want to give up!"

"I just want to not exist entirely!"

What can I do if the battle is not with the dumbbells, mat or weights?

What if the biggest thing to overcome is myself?

Can someone listen to my plea?

Realizing that the lions inside this purple cage are not strangers but doppelgangers of me?

 And there I am still in the middle of this purple cage.

Catching my breath, panting, sweating.

Lying down, knees up, arms stretched wide.

Should I get up? Why or why not?

And then, all of a sudden I hear a small voice at the corner of my mind.

It tells me, "Just one more time." "You can do it! Stand up and push, you're not yet done."

As I focus on it, it becomes louder.

And for some reason, it echoes, it magnified even so.

Gathering up all my strength, took in deep breaths - I persists.

Every push, every pull, every stretch, every bend, I'm trying to look past beyond them.

Even though my heart still anticipate for the worst,

I rather listen for that small voice.

Then it just dawned on me, I made it. I finish the task.

I got up, I have overcome.

A sense of accomplishment and pride took over me.

I told myself, "Good job!, you did it can't you see?"

This roller coaster of internal turmoil would now be my routine.

For the the rest of the year, I know that it will still be here.

The mental fight is not yet over.

It is just starting, it resets every time I come through.

Negative thoughts will still visits me.

Haunting voices of unworthiness will still lingers and questions my capacity.

Everyday will still be a battle,

Sometimes I'll win and sometimes I'll lose

But giving up is not an option, no more excuse.

So for those who read this, I want you to remember.. 

Going to this place sometimes is not just because you want something to show-off.

Oftentimes, it provides distraction, away from the whispers that tells you to jump on, and end it all.

And as I get used to this place,

It's no longer a cage but a sanctuary.

I'll just turn my music on, and begin to imagine.

Everything will be ok, I'll be alright.

I'll soon find my peace, and begin to understand.