#005 - No Love, No Hate

(my final words for you my dear friend)

The first time I met you, I already imagined the friendship that we will have.

It will have fun adventures, hoping we will be bros in both happy and sad.

At first, it was great. With all the coffee breaks and unlimited stories

So I would never imagine that this relationship

will carry a lot of worries and controversies.

I admit I was at fault. I started the wound.

The pains and doubts and uncontrollable moods.

I tried to heal myself but you hurry up the process.

I understand your intention but at that point, that was useless.

I became honest hoping you'll understand.

But instead what I saw from you is a noticeable avoidance.

I punished myself, cried so many times.

I haven't slept for many nights, knowing I'm the one to blame for this crime.

But then I opted to do what I think was a selfless act.

To ask for forgiveness, with all humility and tact.

As the year was about to be over, it was a special moment,

To be forgiven, and straighten the brotherhood that was bent.

I thought the anxieties are over, with you my dear friend.

You have explained where you are coming from, from beginning to end.

But when I plummeted down, you thought it was because of you.

It has several reasons, rest assured it was not mainly you.

The 2nd of February comes, I bare it all in front of the group.

My thoughts, my fears, my insecurities, and my soul.

When everybody listened, I assume you did too.

But I was wrong indeed, I was taken on the backseat.

Still, nothing changed the way you treated me.

So I'm, here again, thinking what else I could do? Is there something I didn't see?

You always say you're ok, that past is past.

But when I'm around, your mannerisms and actions change so fast.

I'm convincing myself that what you tell me is the truth.

But my mind is telling me otherwise, should I need to become a sleuth?

Because it looks like you still avoid to have interactions with me,

And you still using the same reason, that you just don't know how to approach me freely?

When I'm happy and fine, you didn't seem to mind.

Are you REALLY ok? or all of this is just a lie?

Because slowly I'm thinking you don't want me around,

When I'm active you become silent, when I'm joining a trip, you'll choose

to be distant and quiet.

This recent thing that you've done, is this another deception?

Because what I found out is different from your declaration.

Actually, at this point, I think I'm exhausted everything enough.

It already affects everyone and this has just to stop!

I can't take this anymore, it tortures me emotionally.

The way you treated me is so drastic and kills me internally.

But now I realized enough is enough, I must be free!

I don't want to be your prisoner, I want to flee.

No more other options, I have to let you go.

I will not think of what others will say, I want to move on and grow.

I think it's time for me to think of myself.

And to take care of my mental health.

This is not easy it will never be.

But I guess in the meantime, this would be the best as what I see.

Don't fret, I will not harbor any negativity,

because honestly, you've been good to me truly.

What is happening will never erase the goodness you've done.

Because deep in my heart you just doing the best you can.

I can say, this is me, version 2.0

A version where I heal and the issues I need to throw.

I say goodbye for now.

I'll treat you as an invisible one somehow

No more love, no more hate

Just indifference, I hope the pain will alleviate.

My plan for this setup is only temporary.

But if this will be permanent, that I don't know.

Only time will tell, let's leave it in the destiny.

Whatever happens, I'll reap what I sow.

My prayers for you will continue, it will not stop, nothing can hinder.

I hope you pray for me too, like a true brother.

I will remain positive that one day, we will just laugh this off.

And it will just be a lesson for us in one way or another.